


Life - Rewrite

by Kaein88



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Aden & Anya are Costia and Luna's children, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Relationships, But The Fic Isn't Necessarily Clexa Centric, Clexa is Endgame, Did I mention super slow burn?, Don't Know How To Tag This, F/F, Family Fluff, Forgiveness, Lexa & Luna Are Siblings, Madi is Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin's daughter, Minor Relationships, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Only Choices & Perspectives, Patience Is Required To Read This Fic - A Lot Of Patience, Quirky Humour, Slow Burn, Smut, There Are No Bad Guys, reconnecting, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-29 00:35:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30148056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaein88/pseuds/Kaein88
Summary: Life can create beautiful memories, it can create terrible memories and your experiences in it evolve the people you both once were.Where you end up though is up to you.Clarke and Lexa. Once upon a time you couldn't know one without knowing the other. Now they live separate lives not having spoken to each other in years after Lexa leaves abruptly shortly following graduation.The only reliable thing in life is that: Nothing stays the same.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 29
Kudos: 24





	1. Changes

**Author's Note:**

> A preview of what I mean by Rewrite. 
> 
> I have no intention of changing the plot or events of my original fic. I only wish to re-write to add details and for it to be able to be read easier.

It was late afternoon and Lexa stood behind the kitchen island meticulously dicing some onion. Her eyebrows furrowed as she waited for Clarke to come home. The pit in her stomach wouldn’t go away as she dreaded the minutes counting down. Ginger. Ginger and garlic is next. She glances at the clock and back to the chopping board. The ginger and garlic need to be chopped finer than this. After checking to see if the fry pan is hot enough she tosses the ingredients into it.

She lets out a long sigh and takes in her surroundings. Her and Clarke’s apartment was homely. With pictures and sentimental knick knacks all over the place. A bear Lexa had won for Clarke at the fair. A painting of a clown fish with a deformed fin swimming between tentacles of numerous squids Clarke had painted to mock her love of Finding Nemo and squids. Her eyes roam over to her favourite picture. It was a photo of the both of them. Lexa with her head tilted down smiling shyly sitting down on a park bench holding Clarke’s guitar awkwardly while Clarke leaned in from behind Lexa, her arms around Lexa’s waist and smiling happily in the crook of her neck.

She sighs again. This is not the time to be nostalgic. No, that’s wrong. If anything this is the most appropriate time to be nostalgic. It’s more that Lexa could not afford to be nostalgic. It would make things so much harder. She turns around and adds the capsicum, bok choy, carrots, baby corn and a splash of sesame oil and soy sauce to the pan giving it all a quick stir with the spatula.

The slam of the door and a “Hi Lex!” announced Clarke’s arrival into the apartment as she sweeps across the living room and down the hall with her signature Yamaha guitar strapped to her back. One that Lexa herself had bought the blonde and helped personalise it with messages and drawings. The pit in Lexa’s stomach grew in size. There was a bounce in Clarke’s steps that indicated the blonde’s good mood. The brunette knew that Clarke was going to shower and change, giving her a few more moments before she had to face her.

\-----------------------------

Humming to herself as she got out of the shower, Clarke is feeling great. She had a good day. She spent a few hours busking for the pure joy of playing music and received some feel-good compliments and a few tips. The tips she had gotten were just an unexpected bonus, she just loved making music and meeting new people, even if it were just in passing. She even did a few sketches and gotten some praise for them. 

The blonde wasn’t stupid though. She knew that she couldn’t make a comfortable living on busking and sketching on the street. But she also knows she has to invest time and dedication into music and art for them to take off. But that’s ok, she thought. Her and Lexa will make both their dreams come true. As long as Clarke has her passion and has Lexa, there was nothing that they couldn’t achieve together.

After drying herself off and throwing on a loose singlet and some denim shorts she made her way to the kitchen. The smell of Chinese Stir-Fry filled her nostrils, and Clarke smiled to herself. Stir-Fry had always been Lexa’s go-to food. She sat herself down on a stool on the other side of the kitchen island Lexa is cooking at and quirks her lips. “Lex! Lex! Guess what?!”

Lexa turns around and arches an eyebrow at Clarke’s antics and in her most deadpan voice answers, “Whattie has Clarkey so happy?” Wit and excited enthusiasm were not traits of hers. 

Clarke forced herself to maintain the grin on her face. Lexa attempting wit never was a good sign. “Have I ever told you how amazing you are.” 

Lexa turned around placing a plate of food in front of her and without batting a lash quips “Stop flattering me and eat, you bottomless pit.”

Something was definitely wrong. Clarke can see it in every movement that Lexa makes. She watches as Lexa doesn’t eat with her and is refusing to make eye contact with her and as Lexa busies herself doing the dishes. She moves stiffly and mechanically, not at all with her usual graceful flow.

Chewing her lip she asks gently “Lexa? Are you ok? Did something happen today?” 

Lexa turns around her expression unreadable as she gazes at her. Taking a deep breath the brunette informs her softly “I have a plane flight tomorrow at noon. I’m leaving.” 

“What? Why? What happened?” Confusion clouded Clarke entirely. Lexa was not the spontaneous type. Clarke would have a heart attack if Lexa even knew the meaning of surprise or spontaneous. The blonde wanted to get up and move closer to her. But there’s no point. Lexa’s eyes were hardened, her jaw was clenched and if she held herself any stiffer the brunette might just snap.

This Lexa is guarded Lexa, and trying to break down a guarded Lexa is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. There will be no success.

Lexa leaned back against the sink, her hands gripping its edges as she looked out the window losing herself in her thoughts. Her expression was stoic and after a moment of consideration, just as quietly she replies “I won’t be coming back. I need to start packing.” and with that statement she pushes herself away from the sink and makes her way to their bedroom not willing to wait for or hear a response. Apparently unwilling to face Clarke any longer.

\-----------------------------

After packing her suitcase with only her clothes, Lexa placed it against the wall right next to the bedroom door. She sat on the end of her and Clarke’s bed and closed her eyes. As if having a sixth sense Lexa opens them when she feels Clarkes comes in and watches as she glanced at her and then at the suitcase. Lexa said nothing as Clarke knelt down and unzipped it, placing something small that she couldn’t see inside of it before standing up again. The blonde took one step into the room, and Lexa looked up, causing their eyes to lock. The blonde took a second step, and Lexa’s nerves began to get the better of her, as she felt her breath hitch. A third and a fourth step before Clarke is in front of her pushing her legs apart and kneels in front of her on both knees and cradles her face in her hands forcing her to not be able to look away.

“Ok.” was all Clarke said. There was only acceptance and heartbreak in that word. Lexa thought it was amazing how so much can be said in so few words.

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat. “I wish-” But Clarke cut her off. The blonde knew her so well. She was glad the blonde interrupted her. Lexa’s next words would have no doubt rubbed salt in both their wounds. 

“-Don’t.” Clarke demanded. “Please don’t call me when you leave. It will be like dangling a carrot I can’t have infront of me. I’m better for having known you. Thank you for the time we’ve shared.” Her blue eyes are watery with unshed tears and she took a breath before she continued, “I just wanted to let you know I appreciated our time together. I put something in your suitcase. Don’t look at it until you’re wherever you’re going.”

With those words Clarke is up on her feet and moving quickly out the door. The sound of the front door opened and then the sound of the doors closing. Clarke closing the door symbolised the end of their current lives. Lexa sighs, and gazed at the spinning fan on the ceiling as a sense of emptiness overcame her.

How she felt was irrelevant. When Lexa closes the front door tomorrow, that sound will symbolise the beginning of her new life.


	2. 7 Years Later

_7 years later._

Clarke hummed to herself as she blended in the colours on the wall. She had moved interstate a month ago with her daughter Madi so that she could maintain regular visitations with Madi’s father, Bellamy. While things could be tense with Bellamy due to their differing parenting styles, they almost never argued and were extremely close friends and counted on each other for support.

Madi’s visitations with Bellamy and his partner Echo were typically Saturday night sleepovers. Although, that was fairly flexible. And this weekend though was different. Her little girl turned 5. So while she spent her actual birthday with him, and was being returned today - Sunday. Clarke had spent the weekend painting her walls in the theme of Frozen as her own present to her daughter. Like all little girls Madi has an obsession with Ana, Else and even to a small extent Olaf.

Clarke vaguely questioned if she was giving herself some self inflicted punishment by humouring this obsession. But then dismissed the mental inquiry. Trends don’t last too long do they? 

Who cares if Clarke knew every note and lyric of Into the Unknown or Let It Go? Or if she cringed because Madi was the most tone deaf person she knew as the little girl screeched said lyrics? After all, those things made her daughter so very happy. And that’s all Clarke wanted for her. 

The blonde took a few steps back to analyse her art work and smiled to herself. Madi would definitely love this. It turned out great. Clarke pulled her phone from her pocket to check the time. Perfect. She had enough time to clean and pack away the paints and brushes. She even had enough time for a small nap before Bellamy was due to drop her off.

An excited warcry with the announcement “It’s time to beat mummy with a stick!” was the only warning she got before she felt a weight slam down on her as tiny fingers dug into her tickling her sides. Clarke kept her eyes closed and let out a huge laugh before sitting up and giving her playful child a kiss.

“I’ll hold her down, and you can beat her. Remember where I told you mummy’s spot was?” A males amused voice came from behind the couch.

Clarke twisted so she could see Bellamy. He had a boyish grin on his handsome face. She gave him a small smile. She opened her mouth to reply with a quip, but instead let out a squeal when Madi’s small hands went up into her armpits.

Managing to maneuver the tickling girl off of her lap, Clarke questioned her “How did it go? Did you have fun with Daddy?”

The blonde watched in wonder as the girl nodded so enthusiastically she was briefly concerned that Madi might jar her neck. 

“Did you thank Aunty Echo and Daddy for having you?” She asked. Clarke was big on manners and never failed to remind or prompt the mini blonde to use them. 

Madi answered with more nodding of her head.

“Relax Princess.” Bellamy cut in, “Madi was fine. Echo and I took her to the animal petting zoo yesterday and we had a BBQ at the beach today. She had a ball.”

Clarke smiled down at the girl, and brushed her thumb against the child’s face as Madi stuck her thumb in her mouth. A sure sign of the child's exhaustion.

“Clarke,” Bell’s voice came out hesitant “I know I just had her for the weekend, but can we have her again next weekend too? Friday night to Sunday?”

The blonde’s jaw clenched in irritation. Bellamy never wanted to do any of the actual raising of Madi, only took her out and was the ‘fun parent’ he was a better best friend to Madi than a father. Where Clarke was considered the ‘mean one’ because she had the responsibility of raising Madi and working. Sometimes she would like to take her out for a day for recreational bonding too. 

“Please mummy! I promise I’ll be good!” Madi begged, holding her clasped hands in front of her, and Clarke’s irritation increased. Why couldn’t Bellamy and her discuss this privately and not in front of little ears that caused her to feel blackmailed into agreeing.

Sighing, she forced herself to relax. Clarke knew she was being unreasonable. Bellamy actually wants to be involved with Madi and adores her. He may not be the most actively responsible parenting figure but he dotes on her and loves her. Most importantly though, Madi loves him too. Clarke looked up at him and nodded. “See you on Friday Bell.”

After Bellamy said his goodbyes to Madi, Clarke turned to her and asked, “Chicken burgers for dinner?” Madi jumped on her, giving her a big hug. “You’re the best mummy!” 

Laughing, Clarke looked down at her. God her little girl was so beautiful. “Thanks baby, I love you, now run along and play in your room”. Madi bounced off. A few moments later an ear splitting squeal of excitement pierced Clarke’s ears causing her to flinch, “There’s a giant Elsa, Ana and Olaf in my room mummy!”

Smiling Clarke grabbed her phone, dialed a number and pressed the speaker button as she pulled out the fry pan and turned on the stove to begin dinner. “Hey bitch!” Octavia answered. 

“Hi O, I was wondering if you and Raven would like to hang out on Saturday, your brother has Madi for the night. Maybe we could hit the pub or something?” The blonde asked.

Clarke listened as Octavia relayed the question to Raven who can be heard saying “It’s about time. That girl needs to chill and get laid.” 

Pfft. As if. “I’ll call you Saturday afternoon.” Clarke said and hangs up before anymore can be said on her sex life, or lack of.


	3. Family Issues

Lexa was sitting in a booth at some bar. She ran a hand roughly through her hair in agitation and directed her best glare at the woman heading her way. The woman who earned her ire was sauntering over towards her. She had thick black hair with tight curls, she was dressed as if she were on the prowl and held a drink in one hand.

“Luna,” Lexa acknowledged through gritted teeth. “What are you doing here?”

Luna let out a careless laugh and smirked using her head to gesture to the dance floor. “I’m just having a little bit of fun Lexie, you should try it some time.” The woman’s eyes roamed over the crowd and her smirk grew wider. “There, the brunette girl with the red jacket.” She pointed out.

Lexa eyed the girl that was unfortunate enough to warrant Luna’s attention. She had been easy enough to spot. But what really caught Lexa’s attention was the body figure of Red Jacket’s dance partner whose back is facing them. The mystery woman was wearing a light blue casual shirt and black jeans. There was absolutely little left to the imagination when it came to her curves or femininity, and her hair was cut short an inch or so above the shoulder. Even in the dim poor lightening Lexa could see her blonde hair seemed to be dyed a darker colour at their tips. Lexa averted her eyes and clenched her jaw. Even though it was natural to appreciate an attractive form she was angry at herself for doing so. 

She turned her attention back to her younger sister and darkened her glare. “I would be enjoying life more if I weren’t too busy chasing your ass, or making up excuses to your kids explaining why their mother won’t visit. Instead of meeting up with strangers you could meet up with them instead. You know, let them know you actually give a fuck about them. They’re beginning to ask about you less and less now.”

Luna’s smirk morphed into a bitter sneer and placed her drink on the table and leaned over. Lexa swallowed, steeling herself with the knowledge that whatever Luna would say next would cut her to the bone.

Luna reached for the silver band hanging off of a thin chain necklace that Lexa wore around her neck. Luna looked at it for a moment before locking eyes with Lexa’s and leaned back. “You think you’re so much better than me” she sneered. “You’re just pissed off you traded Clarke for my kids. But I never asked you to do that. I didn’t make you do that. You did that all on your own. It was your choice. Even now you still wear that, wrapped up in Clarke years after not even speaking to her. The kids don’t need me. You’ve made sure of that. Just like you made sure Cos doesn’t need me. She gives you everything and you just lead her on dreaming about some girl from years ago that you’ll never see again. So fuck you. I’m allowed to cope however the hell I want and whenever the hell I want.”

Lexa stood up. Her body vibrated with the emotional wounds Luna’s words inflicted. Slowly she reached over and picked up Luna’s drink looking at it’s contents contemplating just how she was going to respond. She raised her eyes to lock with her sister’s. Lexa hoped she could find anything in those eyes that resembled regret or redemption. She found nothing.

Downing the drink she attempted to steady her voice. “That’s what makes you and I different Luna, I understand the concept of responsibility and loyalty. But you were wrong. I didn’t make that choice for you. I didn’t break my heart or Clarke’s heart for the likes of you. It was never for you. Just like Costia never ended your relationship with her to be with me. We made those choices because we couldn’t stand the sight of watching you repeat to your children, the same shit mum did to us. We were disgusted with you, and we wanted better for them. We did it for them.”

Lexa had no time to react before Luna had reared her fist back. Lexa was on the ground, her jaw ached. Her sister growled menacingly “I’m nothing like that bitch!” 

She made a move to kick Lexa but was held and pulled back firmly by the arms of one of the bars bouncers, while another bouncer held Lexa up.

“I’m sorry for that.” She apologised, and tried to dismiss his concern. “I’m ok, really.”

He shoved a bundle of ice wrapped in cloth into her hand anyway and instructed, “At least put this on.”

Lexa made way for the exit. She kept her head lowered in embarrassment over the scene and to avoid any eye contact with the rest of the people in the bar. Once she was outside she pulled out a cigarette and lit it up, taking a few long slow puffs before flicking it to the side and grasping at the silver band hanging off hanging from her neck as she tried to steady her body’s shaking. It was the only thing she had left of Clarke. It was what the blonde had put in her luggage the last time Lexa saw her. She drew a deep breath in a further attempt to steady herself. Luna’s words cut deeper than her sister knew. Lexa pulled out her phone and messaged Costia.

**Lexa Woods (20:20) -** I’m at Grounders. Had a run in with Luna. She’s left but I could use some company if the missus and Murphy could babysit.

She pulled another cigarette from its pack and leaned up against the wall while she waited for Costia’s response. Lexa thought of happier times, Aden saying his first full sentence, Anya’s first wobbly steps. Both children beaming with pride as they tied their shoelaces for the first time, and finally of Clarke. Clarke’s soft smile that was only ever reserved for her.

Lexa never once regretted her choice to leave the blonde for Aden and Anya. The truth be told in her despite the reality of there being a choice, in her mind there was no choice. Lexa’s only regret regarding the choice was that she hadn’t been ready to make it. In hindsight though. She probably never would have been ready to make it. Her phone dinged.

**Costia Green (20: 47)** \- I’m here. Where are you?

She made her way back inside and found Costia sitting at one of the booths. Her dark hair tied in a messy bun as she looked around obviously trying to locate her. Lexa headed to the bar to order them a drink. She made her way over to Costia with a drink in each hand.

Costia’s dark concerned eyes looked into her own green ones. “You don’t look so good. What did your boneheaded sister do this time?”

Lexa shook her head. She didn’t want to discuss the woman right now. She’d much rather find out how the kids' days were. She hasn’t seen them since before school this morning. “How are Aden and Anya?”

“Murphy’s promised revenge for cockblocking him and feeding them chocolate mud cake for breakfast tomorrow morning.” Costia snorted in amusement. 

Lexa smirked, “That sounds like him.”

“Aden’s also mentioned the school has a new guitar tutor.” Costia paused before she pitched her voice to hilariously mimic the boy “Miss C is so cool! Miss C has a tattoo! Miss C knows how to play Aunty’s favourite song Nothing Else Matters and said she would teach it to me!”

With the topic of the children, Lexa’s dark mood caused by her sister was forgotten, and her spirits were lifted. She laughed in delight at both Aden’s enthusiasm for the tutor and Cos’ impression of him. “That was the worst Aden imitation you’ve done yet!”

Amusement danced in Costia’s brown eyes. “He’s absolutely smitten, and that’s not all,” she said. “It gets even better because Miss C has pink hair, and now of course Anya’s on the Miss C band wagon, she wants to dye her hair pink too. I told her she had to ask you!” Lexa let out a half serious and half exaggerated groan as she ran a hand through her hair again causing Costia to cackle at her.


	4. Passion

Clarke sat on the couch shifting organising her tutoring sessions for tomorrow. Rearranging music sheets both tablature and notation into different folders personalised to each of her students levels based on their skill and technique. Even though she was only a part time tutor it was both rewarding and inspiring to witness and support the passion and skill her 25 odd students possessed.

_ Passion.  _

Something she lost long ago after Lexa had left without an explanation, for anything and anyone that wasn’t Madi. That was the biggest reason she went from making music to teaching music. She couldn’t imagine doing anything not music related, but she had lost her joy for the act of playing. There was a sense of dread that overcame Clarke as she thought about Madi and her students growing older, maturing, experiencing life and losing their innocence and naivety in the process. She ached to the core at the thought of any one of those children losing their passion.

Her mind wandered to Raven as she thought about the resilience of her friend. Having been cheated on by her ex boyfriend Finn, she’s committed herself to an open relationship with Octavia who’s unwilling to openly acknowledge her sexuality but always openly confesses her love and adoration for her. Raven continues to take a chance and agreed to an open relationship with her because she loves Octavia and life so wholeheartedly that she refuses to waste a single opportunity. It’s a complicated but messy relationship that seems to work. Clarke doesn’t understand it. She can’t figure out how it works for them. But she supposes it has nothing to do with her. 

Then there’s the good and bad days with Raven’s leg That was caused by an altercation with her drug addict of a mother. While Raven hides behind humour and mischievousness, she is the epitome of resilience and strength and Clarke wishes she had half the perseverance Raven has.

A knock on the door startled the blonde out of her thoughts so much she jumps. The door knocks again, insistent knocking and the voice of her daughter called out desperately “Mummy! Open up! Daddy said he was going to feed me octopus eyes if I didn’t be good and have a bath!” Unlocking the door and swinging it open she raises an eyebrow at Madi who’s lower lip is trembling and wide eyes look up at her. 

Clarke put her hands on her hips and suspiciously eyed Bellamy “Octopus eyes huh? What would you put octopus eyes in?”  _ Olives  _ he mouths. Returning her gaze to Madi she said in a serious voice “A Greek salad I think. Or maybe on our next pizza.”

Madi’s eyes widen as she looks between Bellamy and Clarke “I thought daddy was lying!” and pushes past Clarke. 

With a small smile of amusement as she watched Madi run and turn to the hall leading to the bedrooms “One day Bell, that girl isn’t going to believe a word we tell her.” Bellamy laughs and hugs her. 

“Did you enjoy your girls night out last night?” He asked and Clarke pulled back questioningly “O has a big mouth.” 

“She does, doesn’t she? Yes. I had a great time, I only had a couple of drinks and danced a bit with Raven. I almost felt sexy again.” Clarke bit her lip. She didn’t want to admit she also felt sexy and wanted by Raven too despite knowing Raven’s devotion to O. She hasn’t felt that way truly since  _ her  _ . 

She felt Bellamy tilt her chin so she could look him in the eye. “I know what you’re thinking.” He took a breath to buy time to articulate what he wanted to say. 

Clarke eyebrows furrowed and she averted her eyes. “I’m over her Bell -” 

Bellamy interrupted her. “-You might be over her Clarke, but you’re not over it. Listen to me, I mean really listen to me. Have you ever thought that the reason you believe you’re not worth anything is because maybe because you don’t have the guts to open yourself up to trust anyone that way again? Lexa Woods was your first love, the only love you’ve allowed for yourself. She left you, and she abandoned you in a way that left you no closure. I don’t think you’ve ever moved past that. Niylah is like a deer in headlights around you. The woman practically worships you and Madi, and you can’t so much as look at her because the only person in your bubble is Madi. Your heart is so big Clarke, but it can fit more than Madi if you let it.” 

Clarke pressed her head into his chest and not knowing what to say she said, “Thanks Bell.” 

He shifted his arms around her he saying “Anytime Princess, anytime. I should go now or Echo will insist I have a date with Miss Palmer and her five daughters. Seriously though, have a think about what I said.”

Closing the door behind him and locking it she headed into the apartment dazed by Bellamy’s insight into her. He really was a good guy even if he was a bit of a man child himself. 

She turned the corner to find Madi inches away from the TV screen which has been paused on a close up of an octopus. 

“Mads, what on earth are you doing?” Clarke asked in amusement.

Madi didn’t even look her way, and instead asked “How do you make olives?” 

Clarke let out a bark of laughter and bent down to pick Madi up, holding her in one arm and turning the TV off with the other she headed towards the bathroom and answered “Baby, daddy and I were joking. They’re not really octopus eyes. Olives are a fruit, they grow on trees. Like an apple or an orange.” 

In response to this revelation the child proceeded to put all her fingers on Clarkes upper lip and her thumbs on the bottom lip “You tricked me! You tricked me, I’m going to squish your mouth so you can’t trick me anymore!” She exclaimed indignantly.

After bathing Madi and humming her a melody to sleep she left the room leaving Madi’s door slightly ajar, Clarke walked into her room but stopped in the doorway to stare at the door to her built in wardrobe. 

Bellamys words rang loudly in her head. Pulsing. 

_ You might be over her Clarke, but you’re not over it.  _

She swallowed the lump in her throat that had formed and took a couple of steps towards it. 

_ She abandoned you in a way that left you no closure. I don’t think you’ve ever moved past that  _ . 

A few steps more and she’s in front of it, one hand on the handle and she swallowed again.

_ The only person in your bubble is Madi. Your heart is so big Clarke, but it can fit more than Madi if you let it.  _

She opens the door and reached into the corner grabbing the strap of the case. Turning she laid the case down on her bed and unzipped it, flipping the fabric lid open and looking at its contents. 

It was Lexa’s gift to her. Her tan coloured Yamaha acoustic-electric guitar covered in hand written words pictures in different coloured sharpies. Her crimson custom guitar strap is still attached. 

Clarke pushed the case to the side and sat on her bed placing the guitar so the back of the body is on her lap. She rested her right hand on the front of the body as she ran her left hand fingers along the strings in front of the fretboard and tool in every bump of the rusted, neglected strings, comforted by familiarity of the protuberance caused by the frets. Her right hand thumb flicked low E and she winced. Unsurprisingly, it’s terribly out of tune. As the note rings and eventually fades out she continues to eye the guitar with intense perplexity. 

Though she could never bring herself to use it after Lexa left, Clarke couldn't bear the notion of ever parting with this guitar either. She couldn’t quite place how this specific instrument became the representation of one of the most devastating moments in her life. But somehow it had.

And with that conscious realisation, she decided Bellamy was right, and calls Niylah.


	5. Frustrations

It was Monday morning, Lexa made her way into the kitchen taking note of the sound of the shower running in the bathroom indicating Costia’s location. She found a cup of coffee waiting for her in her spot at the end of the dining room table. Aden and Anya were sitting on the couch in their school uniforms enraptured by what was on the TV. Lexa glazed at the screen and shook her head. She failed to understand what compelled a child to watch other children play with toys. Was the concept of playing with their own toys - or better yet each other really that unappealing?

BFFFRT! 

Anya sprang from the couch, her expression had a scowl of disgust and was getting red with anger “Aunty! Aden farted on me!” Aden laughed in response. 

Lexa sighed, miracles do happen right? Maybe? Eventually? 

“Aunty! Did you hear me?” Anya demanded her attention. 

Lexa turned so she was facing the little girl and asked, “Anya, are you ready for school?” 

The girl nodded. 

“Lunch box?”, Another nod. 

“Water bottle?” Another nod. 

“Your hat?” The start of a nod, then a pause, “No, I can’t find it!” Anya stated.

“What about you Aden?” Lexa diverted her attention to the boy.

“I got them.” He answered. 

Lexa turned her attention back to Ayna “Go look for it then. Aden turn the TV off and come here please.”

The boy got up and sat down looking anywhere but her. It took her breath away to think about how much he has grown. She takes him in, his shaggy sandy blonde hair that was in need of a cut, light pale blue eyes. He has big ears and is taller than most kids his age but very lanky. He looked nothing like his mother. 

Aden was usually a soft spoken boy and very reserved unless he was excited. He was a fairly level child. He often didn’t show high energy levels, and preferred the more solitary activities of playing his guitar, reading or watching TV. It was always hard to know what he was thinking.

He shifted in his seat. 

Oh right, she was supposed to say something reprimanding over a harmless child's idea of a prank. 

“She was copying me and following me everywhere before. All Mum did was tell me to ignore it.” he blurted out as an explanation. 

“Aden, I know little sisters can be annoying sometimes. But you’re 8 years old. A bit too old to be farting on people on purpose. Do you do this at school?” 

He rolls his eyes “I know, I know. If I won’t do it at school, then I shouldn’t do it at home either.” he recited. 

She took a sip of her coffee and she gestured with her other hand for him to come to her. She looked into his pale blue eyes and repeated for emphasis “I know little sisters can be annoying,” She took another sip of her coffee and continued, “But you’re her big brother and she loves you. Maybe, instead of farting on her you can tickle her. She can’t copy you if she’s trying to stop you from tickling her.” 

Aden grins and hugs her, rediverting the conversation by asking “Are you taking us to school or is mum taking us?” 

“I am! Get your bag, we’re leaving in a minute!” Costia calls out from the next room over. 

Lexa gets up and headed to the kids' shared room to find Anya playing with Aden’s Spiderman doll. 

The only thing Anya had inherited from Luna's looks was the thickness of her hair. Her hair being a dirty dark blonde colour, that framed her extremely sharp and angular face. Her hazel eyes were always so expressive and while she wasn’t as tall as Aden, she was just as lanky. She has the complete opposite personality to Aden of course. Extroverted and excitable, her moods shifting as quickly and unpredictably as the wind. You always knew where you stood with her at any given moment. She was quick to anger but just as quick to forgive and always genuine.

“Did you find your hat?” Lexa asked as a reminder, Anya reached behind her and pulled out the missing item that was hidden from Lexa’s line of sight “Mum’s ready to leave. Come give me a hug and have a good day at school huh?” 

Costia appeared behind Lexa and addressed her. “We’ll talk when I get back ok Lex?” Then they were out the door with a quick “Love you Aunty!”.

Lexa sat down at the dining room table and scrolled through the local news on her phone as she continued to sip what was left of her coffee. A short while later Costia comes and takes the chair next to her and asks,“What happened with Luna the other night?” 

Straightening her back Lexa drained the remains of her coffee before verbally spewing with on-going aggravation at the situation, “Straight to the point huh? I ran into her at the bar. The usual happened. I asked her where she’s been, told her the kids don’t even ask about her anymore and more or less said she was like mum. She said I stole you and her kids away. She’d rather drink and fuck than invest in her relationship with the kids. If she’s so angry about this, why doesn’t she do anything about it?” 

Lexa took in a deep breath. It was like a never ending rerun to an episode of some soap opera, yet it never failed to fire her up.

She continued, “Why can’t she realise that she lost the kids because her one year old injured himself because getting high on drugs while she was pregnant was more important to her?! And she hasn’t changed a bit! Still using the excuse of me stealing them off her as a reason to continue it! I didn’t steal her children. Family Services gave me a damn phone call saying if I didn’t take them they were going into foster care! After 7 years she still can’t take responsibility! She just believes we’re all one happy family without her just because it’s not in her face. She doesn’t see how her disappearing and coming back with false promises affects them! Aden barely says more than a sentence to anyone outside of this house. She doesn’t see Anya’s breakdowns because Anya misses her so much! Oh by the way, did I mention that apparently I’m leading you on and you follow me around like a lost puppy waiting for me?!” 

Costia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and reacheed for one of Lexa’s hands and just like every other time this rage was vented by Lexa, Costia reinforced the same message she always does. “We’re doing a good job with Aden and Anya. All we can do is be there for them. They know we love them. Consistency. We can’t do anything about Luna. She’s digging her own grave with them.”

Lexa knows Costia is right. But that doesn’t change the fury she feels on behalf of the kids. She stood up and forced herself to push her anger and resentment aside. However she may feel about Luna, she gave birth to two gorgeous children that Lexa wouldn’t trade for the world. 

She looked at the clock. “I know Cos. I have a 4 hour shift at the Cafe. I’ll do dinner tonight if you want to take the night off and relax.” 

It doesn’t really need to be discussed. But the act of planning made Lexa feel more in control of what was going on around her. Even if it were an illusion. 

There’s an unspoken arrangement that Costia takes kid duty in the morning and Lexa does the afternoons on weekdays then they switch on weekends, because Lexa Woods is not a morning person. It’s not really set in stone but it’s flexible enough. Understanding that Lexa wants to distract herself from her thoughts, Costia humours her and agrees. 


	6. Here in the Moment

“That’s it Aden. Remember to keep your left wrist bent and your thumb straight at the neck. If you do that, you’ll find it easier to hold down your bar chords.” Clarke instructed. The boy had a natural talent and dedication for playing. 

He shifted his hand to do as she had instructed while he continued to pluck at the strings moving on to a different bar of the song.

The boy frowned as he listened to the sounds he was producing “Miss C, this part of the song sounds different from the real song. I want to play it properly.”

Clarke felt a smile tug at her lips. The boy was also a perfectionist it seemed.

“Now I actually get to teach you something,” She teased him. “Place your finger on the 12th fret so you’re resting the flat of your finger on the string, just touching it. But don’t press down on it. Not in the middle of the fret, but on the fret line and pluck. Keep your finger on the string, and let it ring out.”

He lent over the body of the guitar so he could see what he was doing and followed her instructions. He listened to the note in astonishment.

“And that Aden, is what you call harmonics. It’s what this means.” She explained, pointing to the (h) symbol on his tablature sheet. “It doesn’t work the same on every fret. Only 5th, 7th and 12th.”

When Aden’s lesson had finished, Clarke began putting away the music stands and stacking the chairs they had used. She had no more sessions for the day. She started making her way to the park. Nervousness filled her as she spotted Niylah sitting down at one of the park concrete tables waiting for her with two cups of coffee. Niylah was scribbling in a notebook.

They met through Bellamy, and sometimes ran into each other randomly, but mainly interacted at his and Echo’s house and always seemed to gravitate towards each other, bonding over their love of art and creativity.

But, this limitation was mainly due to Clarke being guarded. She did like Niylah, her demeanor was always gentle, calm and patient. She never seemed to expect anything from Clarke. She was always just there. It was Clarke that kept her at arms length and Clarke thought wanted to change that. She felt safe around her.

“Hi stranger.” The blonde greeted the other woman. 

Niylah’s head jerks up and she closes her note book, picking up one of the coffees and holding it as an offering. “Hello Clarke. I was surprised by your call the other night. Is everything alright?” 

Clarke took the coffee and sat down next to her. “Thanks. Nothing’s wrong. I just thought we could get together, have a coffee. You know, see the outside world for a bit.” 

Niylah’s lips tilted up into her usual gentle smile. “That’s always a good thing to do with the right company.” 

Niylah reopened her notebook this time she started sketching. Clarke took in all the people, people walking their dogs, newly formed families having picnics. She really had no idea what to say. She’s forgotten the skills to make and maintain flowing conversation. Usually people in her life approach her. Not the other way around. She felt a sense of guilt for obviously wasting Niylah’s time.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. I’m really bad at this. I didn’t think this through.” She apologised.

Niylah placed her pencil down and tore out the page she was working on folding it up. Her eyes followed Clarke’s own gaze she murmured “Are you having a bad time?” 

“No.” The blonde answered without hesitation.

“Neither am I. Stop over thinking this. This doesn’t have to be anything more Clarke. Sometimes the best times are when we don’t have to say anything at all. Just be here in the moment” Niylah advised.

Clarke studied at Niylah through her peripheral vision and nervously forced herself to take her hand. Her nerves were eased by the tightening of Niylah’s own fingers in response. 

“Are you free on Sunday, maybe we could do this again?” She asked. 

Niylah stood up, and gave Clarke the paper she had been drawing on and smiled. “I’d like that Clarke. I’ll see you then” and headed in the direction of her car.

Clarke unfolded the paper and a small gasp escaped her. There were two small sketches, the first sketch is of her holding Madi. The two of them staring at each other, expressions of love on her face and an innocent happiness on Madi’s. The second sketch was of her eyes, her eyebrows were furrowed and the look in the eyes were serious and contemplative. 

After she picked up Madi from school, Raven had surprised them for a visit. They listened to the Moana OST with the volume up fairly loudly. Madi had screeched and danced to the lyrics with Clarke holding onto her hands to twirl along with her. 

These were the moments Clarke lived for.

When it was nearing dinner time, Clarke decided to make it a group activity. Madi was at the table mixing the herbs and spices into the hamburger meat while Clarke diced an onion. Raven sat at the far end of the table lazily swinging on her chair, she had no interest or talent in cooking. 

“So I heard you lost your dating virginity Griffs!” The brunette teased.

Really? She didn’t. Why? Why In front of Madi? Clarke was having a brain freeze before the inevitable question was asked. “What’s a ‘dating virginity’ mummy?” 

“Uh…” Come on Clarke! Think of something! How to get away with murder? 

“Mummy?” Madi prompted.

Clarke glared at Raven who wore a shit eating grin. “It means your mummy here, is making a  _ very nice _ friend for the first time.” 

Madi’s light brown eyes shone with happiness and innocently proclaimed “I’m proud of you for having a friend!” 

Clarke looked at her daughter and smiled affectionately. “Thanks baby, but I have all the friends I need.” 

Madi frowned in confusion, “I didn’t even know you had any friends!” 

Clarke looked at Madi incredulously and asked her “What’s Aunt Raven then?” 

Madi looks at Raven. “Aunt Raven is  _ my _ friend.” 

That did it for Raven. She burst out laughing banging her fist on the table then licked her index finger and rubbed her thumb against it. “Apply ointment to that burn Griffin. Tsssssst! Madi I love you!” 

Clarke smiled fondly to herself. She loved them too.


	7. Tension and Ice cream

There was the chime of the doorbell. Behind the door stood Luna with an uncharacteristically bright smile. Lexa eyed her warily. She never did know what to expect when it came to her sister no matter what mood she appeared to be in.

“Are they home?” Luna asked

Lexa opened the door further without saying anything, allowing her to slip in. The excited noise of Anya and Aden let her know Luna had greeted them. 

Aden could be heard saying “-I wanna show you. Aunty Lexa! It’s a secret, don't come in!” followed by the slam of the bedroom door. 

Lexa had been banned from their room whenever Aden played guitar for the past week.

“What about me?” came Anya’s pout. 

Lexa clucked her tongue, to think of something so that the girl wouldn’t feel excluded or left out. She pulled out a coin from her pocket. “How about I teach you a trick to show her when Aden’s finished?” 

Bending her right elbow and wrist so that the back of her hand was to her right shoulder she moves her arm so that her elbow is facing upwards. Placing the coin on the elbow she looked to see if Anya was paying attention. 

Seeing that she was, Lexa maneuvered her arm downwards quickly, so that as the coin falls she caught it in the palm of her right hand and grinned to the girl. 

She gave the coin to Anya. “Here, you have a turn.” 

Anya was awkward in her first attempt and dropped the coin to the floor. 

“You gotta be quick. Keep practicing.” Lexa advised her.  


Anya then picked up the coin and wandered out of the room presumably to practice more.

Lexa wished Costia was back from the store. She always felt so highly strung at the mere mention of Luna, let alone being in the same proximity as her. She looked at the table and found a permission slip for Aden to perform at an after hours school fundraiser. A feeling of overwhelming pride swelled up within her. She always attended school events. She signed the slip and went to push the dishes away and started the laundry.

Costia came through the doors, and started to unpack the bags and began putting the groceries away. 

“Luna’s here. Apparently she wanted to see the kids.” Lexa informs her.

A hum of acknowledgment is made. After all, what more can be said about it? 

When Luna and the kids made their way out. Luna greeted Costia with a “Hey babe.” 

A look of irritation flashed across Costia’s face. “Hello Luna.” 

Anya puffed her chest out oblivious to the tension. “Mummy said I was clever! Can we get some ice cream please?” 

A small smile graced Aden’s face and he shared “Mummy said I played perfectly”. 

Costia and Lexa shared a look, the last seven years of living and raising kids together had decreased their need to verbally communicate sometimes.

A decision had been made.

“That’s great. I told you that you’ll get it if you practice Aden. Lex, would you like an ice cream too?” Costia asked. 

With a shake of her head Lexa answered “You guys go Cos. I’ll get a start on dinner.” and then directing herself to Luna she informed her sister “I have to talk to you anyway.”

As soon as they were out the door Luna rounded on Lexa with a terse “Don’t start. I’m not in the mood.” 

Lexa took the time to evaluate Luna’s expression and posture; she was poised and ready to strike, before she responded “I wasn’t Luna. All I wanted to say was that Aden has a performance coming up at school in a couple of weeks. It would probably mean a lot to him if you came.” 

“I’ll try.” Came the response. Well, it was about as much of a commitment as Luna would ever give she supposed.

\-----------------------------

“Chocolate with sprinkles!” Aden declared. 

“Not fair. I want chocolate with sprinkles too!” Anya whinged in response. 

Costia sighed, her exasperation already beginning to build. This is why she was grateful to Lexa. She wouldn’t have the patience to deal with this on her own, no matter how much she loved her children. “How about you both get chocolate with sprinkles?” she asked. 

“Yeah!” they said in unison and ran off ahead as the ice cream stall came into sight. 

Costia was so grateful. Even this small experience had reinforced to her that she doesn’t have the patience to raise them on her own. Costia was aware that without Lexa, she probably wouldn’t be involved with the kids. Lexa never pretended to be their mother or tried to disempower her as their mother. She knew Lexa had her own demons she fought with in regards to raising them, and about her and Luna. But the situation is what it is.

She looked up and saw Aden and Anya chatting with two women and a young girl. One of the women was tall and lithe with dirty blonde hair and a kind look about her. 

The girl was slightly on the chubby side with her blonde curls up in pigtails. Minus her brown eyes, she was the splitting image of the woman next to her who had the same blonde hair but dyed pink at the tips, and had blue eyes clear as the sky. Costia spotted a tattoo of a broken infinity symbol on her outer lower right arm above the wrist where a silver men’s watch was clasped, and immediately Costia recognised who this was. After all, her boy had been raving on about this woman over the last few days. 

She came up behind her children and smiled politely. “The infamous Miss C. You’re all he talks about at home. I’m Aden’s mum, Costia.” she said, ruffling Aden’s hair. 

A brilliant smile lit up Miss C’s face “Hi, so nice to meet you. This is Niylah and my daughter Madi. Aden is really something else and a pleasure to teach.” 

Costa glanced over to find Aden stumbling a bit trying to give Madi a piggyback ride who was also dripping ice cream on his back, chanting “Giddyup! Giddyup” 

“Careful Aden.” She cautioned. 

Anya pulled on Miss C’s black jacket. “Why can Aden only be her friend? I want to be her friend too!” 

The woman, Niylah knelt down in front of Anya, her voice was as kind as her demeanor seemed to be, “Why don’t you play with both of them?” She suggested, “Madi loves meeting new people and making friends.” 

Anya apparently thought this was a good idea since she squealed and ran off to join Madi and Aden. 


	8. Hello Clarke.

Aden’s big night was finally here. Lexa had missed him, since most times after school he locked himself in his and Anya’s room and kicked both sister and her out, to prepare and practice for tonight. 

She paid a $15 entry fee that included a hotdog and drink, so it was $5 per person, and Lexa, Anya and Aden made their way to the stage area taking the unoccupied seats as close to the front of the stage as they could. It was Unfortunate that Costia couldn’t get out of work. Though she made Lexa promise to take a video of it to show her later. 

As expected there were no signs of Luna. 

Anya’s seat was next to a school friend who she was talking animatedly to. 

“I’m nervous. There’s too many people.” Aden confessed quietly after he poked her arm to get her attention. 

Lexa put her arm around him. It was awkward with how the chairs were designed. She could see the poor boy was close to tears. She had to really think about how to respond to this because morale building was not in her skillset. Eventually she decided on, “You don’t have to play if you don’t want to. Only if you want to Aden.” 

The attempt at comfort failed miserably, because his breathing became heavier. “But I’ve been practicing!” 

Remembering a time from long ago, she tried a different tactic and shared with him, “I used to have a friend who played in front of people. Like you, she always practiced. But she let me listen to her practice.” 

Lexa twitched her fingers to tickle him slightly which caused him to giggle. With her other hand she grabbed on to her necklace, and continued “She would tell me that when she played in front of other people she would pretend she was playing just for me. She used to always say she would get lost in the music. I didn’t know what she meant.” 

Aden looked up at her, “I know what your friend meant. Did it work?” 

She tightened her grasp on her necklace and gave a small smile. “It must have. If you find that too hard maybe you could pretend you're reading your music sheet.” 

She tried to both comfort and encourage him further “Remember I'm so proud of you and mum is so proud of you. Just try and have fun. You’ll do amazing because you  _ are _ so amazing.”

The boy’s arms gripped her tighter. Whether that was from appreciation or anxiety, Lexa wasn’t sure. 

The moment was interrupted as the PA system squawked “Can all performers please make their way to the stage.” 

Aden picked up his guitar and kissed her cheek, and followed the number of students that were making their way up the side entrance door that lead to the stage. When everyone was in their positions, the lights dimmed and a hush fell over the audience. 

The principle walked to the center where the microphone was set up. “Welcome, and thank you teachers, families and friends for coming to our special night. Our first performance for the night will be by the 1st and 2nd grade students who will show us their moves. Parents don’t be shy if you know these dances too!” 

Joyful nostalgia filled Lexa as cheering and applauding were heard when the music to the Macarena began playing as the lights were brightened. She became instantly smitten with the cuteness of the younger children doing the dance, that even some of the audience members stood up to dance to as well. The next two dances were The Hokey Pokey and Nutbush which were also joined in by the parents and visitors.

The lights dimmed again, and the young dancers left the stage. A moment later, Lexa was surprised to see the blonde woman from the bar speed walk with a stack of half a dozen stools placing them in the center of the stage and unstacking them in a horizontal line. She ran out the side again and returned with a few music stands, adjusting them to the appropriate height in front of the stools before ducking and staying out of Lexa's line of sight.

The guitar ensemble walked out on the stage and took their seats. The lights brightened, Lexa instantly spotted Aden and she nudged Anya pointing him out to her. Lexa shuffled to get her phone out and turned on video mode. She saw the blonde make her way to the middle of the stage and turned to face the crowd.

Lexa’s world froze. All she could think was ‘no’. No, It couldn’t be. She grasped her necklace again more tightly than she’s ever done before. No wonder she couldn’t look away at the bar. 

“Good evening everyone.” The blonde’s voice rang out through the speaker.

The phone dropped from Lexa’s hand.

Oh god. If Lexa hadn't believed her eyes had been deceiving her, then vocal confirmation was all she needed. 

While she had the same husky voice it lacked the excitable quality it used to, and in its place was a quiet reservedness that made it hard for Lexa to associate the blonde with her memories of the woman. 

“My name is Clarke Griffin. Or as these musical talents call me Miss C. Tonight is a special night for us. Aden Green is dedicating his very first solo performance of Metallica - Nothing else Matters to his Aunt. Jordan and Charlotte will be performing a duo to Elvis Presely - Love Me Tender…”

Lexa couldn’t focus anymore on what Clarke was saying. She took all of her in. There seemed to be a permanent crease between her brows as if she spent too much time frowning and a tenseness in her posture. 

Lexa couldn’t believe her long blonde locks were gone, replaced by the short pink dyed tips hairdo she had first noticed. She wore dark pants that weren’t too loose but not a tight fit and a dark grey uncollared polo shirt with an unbuttoned sleek black leather jacket. 

Over all, it gave Clarke a very badass mature appearance. So very different from the young woman who had excess energy and possessed a contagious optimism.

“...And now for your enjoyment.” Clarke finished her speech and jumped down off the stage. She turned around to face the young guitarists, and she gave a double thumbs up to them and knelt down clicking her fingers to a beat and Aden played his first note. 

Lexa’s eyes darted between Aden and the crouching form of Clarke. She was absolutely stupefied. Clarke Griffin taught the boy she considered to be her own son, her favourite song. Clarke Griffin who she left and never thought she’d see again. Clarke Griffin the subject of her memories she spent the last 7 years making peace with.

Lexa tried to focus on Aden. She was right, not that there was any question. She knew he would, Aden played amazingly well and she was touched that he did this for her. 

At the end of the performances Lexa held Anya’s hand and she saw Clarke bend over saying something to Aden before he enveloped her in a big hug. He grabbed her hand and began to drag her towards them. Lexa waited in both fear and in anticipation.

She watched Clarke’s brilliant blue eyes lift up from Aden to meet hers and widen.

Lexa said the only thing she could think of.

“Hello Clarke.”


	9. First Steps

“Hello Clarke.”

The voice and words were a cacophony of noise that echoed into her ears. Lexa’s eyes were as green as she remembered them to be. Her expression couldn’t seem to decide what it wanted to settle on before it stopped in that stoic way only Lexa could ever manage to achieve with such precision. Clarke knew what would happen next. The jaw clenched.

Good. Clarke thought with some slight smugness. She should be uncomfortable.

What the hell did you say to someone who had once been your everything for so long? Who had left you without any warning or explanation? Clarke certainly wasn’t going to take a leaf out of Lexa’s book and start with ‘Hello, Lexa.’

The blonde gritted her teeth, and tried to keep her expression cool despite the feeling that she was out of breath. Similar to someone high up in the mountains and the air was too thin to breath. Clarke inhaled through her nose, and mentally counted to three before exhaling through her nose.

Aunty Lexa, this is Miss C. She’s the coolest!” Aden’s bright voice declared, completely oblivious to the tension due to his own well earned pride and excitement.

Clarke never removed her eyes from Lexa’s as she responded to the boy with forced levelness. “I think you think your Aunty is pretty cool too. I’ve never had anyone play me a song before.”

“No way!” Anya disagreed, and mader her own declaration. “You’re cooler. You have pink hair!”

The blonde was about to thank her, when Lexa cut in pointed in the direction of the stage. “Anya, Aden. Why don’t you guys go and play for a little while? I need to talk to Miss C.”

They whined their unhappiness before reluctantly going to obey the green eyed woman.

“Clarke.” Lexa said needlessly to get her attention. Not that she needed to. The blonde was hyper aware of her.

“Lexa Woods.” She hissed, and there was a small feeling of satisfaction when Lexa flinched at her tone.

The brunette swallowed before saying, “It’s good to see you.”

“Is it?” Clarke asked without thought.

“Of course it is.” replied Lexa with a level tone.

The blonde hissed in bitterness, “Really? I wouldn’t know.”

\-----------------------------

Lexa shifted her weight to her other foot and cleared her throat. This was not going the way she had hoped. She wasn’t sure what exactly she expected, but this frostiness was not on the list. The deep breath, the use of her full name. The terseness of her tone. Clarke reminded her of a trapped animal that was about to spring at her.

“I’m glad you still play.” She tried for some civilness.

Clarke’s eyes hardened further. “I don’t play. I teach.”

Lexa had almost forgotten how stubborn the blonde could be when she was upset. 7 years ago the brunette might have been amused. She was not amused right now. She was becoming overwhelmed with desperation. She needed Clarke to talk to her. “When did you move here?”

Clarke’s eyes blazed with fury, as she unloaded onto her “Can’t you take the hint Lexa? We’re not old friends who fell out of contact. What did you think I was going to do when you saw me? Hug you?!”

Lexa recoiled. She expected more than this. There had to be something left of what they once had right? Clarkes’ words were a dagger to her chest. Lexa had been foolish. Just because she hadn’t wanted to leave, and just because she had never stopped thinking of the blonde didn’t mean Clarke was in the same boat. Lexa had wanted to talk to Clarke the moment she recognised her, that she hadn’t really thought about whether or not the blonde might have wanted the same thing.

\-----------------------------

Clarke felt herself deflate, and all of her adrenaline left her. Now all she wanted to do was to go home and soak in a nice hot bath. She rubbed her face and tiredly asked the other woman “What do you want Lexa?”

Desperation and hopelessness shimmered in Lexa’s green eyes and she pleaded “I don’t really know Clarke. I just want to talk to you please? Just to talk and to see how you’ve been?”

Clarke didn’t have to consider the vast passing of time to hear Lexa’s unspoken ‘I miss you’.

If the blonde were to be honest with herself. It’s not that she didn’t want to reconnect with Lexa, she was just an overwhelming mess of confusion and emotions right now. All that anger and bitterness that she had worked on shoving in a box deep in her mind had now been reopened. 

She desperately wanted the comfort of her own space away from ghosts involving Lexa right now. She pulled out a pen and receipt out of her pocket and scribbled down her address. “I have to go, it’s getting late. Anything after 8:30 tomorrow.”

Lexa’s brow furrowed in confusion, but she took the paper. Clarke turned and walked away to her car before the brunette could say anything, feeling the fatigue settle in her bones. 

\-----------------------------

Niylah was drinking a mug of hot cocoa while she watched Clive Owen’s Inside Man when Clarke came through the door. While Niylah was flattered Clarke was showing an active interest in her, she knew that Clarke’s heart wasn’t in it. There was a small sense of disappointment, but none of it was unexpected. Clarke and Madi were good people and they had given her a sense of purpose.

Clarke slumped onto the couch next to her. She was quiet and distant. More so than usual and there was an aura of frustration surrounding her. Niylah knew enough not to press the matter. It didn’t take much for the woman to clam up. It was nice to feel needed. To have something she could provide for other people. Niylah offered the only thing she could at that moment, the comfort of her presence. When the blue eyed blonde fell asleep nuzzled up against her, Niylah allowed herself to fall asleep too. 

Clarke’s phone alarm went off waking her up. Niylah was bleary eyed as she reached over trying not to wake the other blonde to turn it off. Clarke was obviously tired and needed more sleep if her frown at the disruption was anything to go by. As gently as possible Niylah untangled herself from Clarke and went to wake up Madi. 

The girl was a delight to be around, cheerful, compassionate, and oh so innocent. Clarke might believe that Madi’s personality took more after Bellamy. But Niylah disagreed. It wasn’t difficult for her to believe a younger Clarke showing those same traits. Clarke had demons and baggage that she had to come to terms with.

Niylah ushered Madi into the shower, and went to fix the girl up some breakfast. She had to remind the adorable blonde that her mother was sleeping and that she needed to use her quiet inside voice. She helped the girl get dressed before taking her to school.

When she turned, she turned on the hot water kettle. She knew from experience that the world didn’t become coherent for the woman until after she had her coffee. Niylah decided to take the opportunity for a shower and was in the middle of dressing when there was a knock on the door. It wasn’t loud, but still Niylah took quick strides to answer it before the noise woke the sleeping blonde.

Standing in front of the door was a taller than average but fit looking brunette that she had never seen before. The woman’s hair was in a loose low ponytail, a sharp jaw line and cute tiny ears. Her green expressive eyes did little to hide her uncertainty. All in all, she was gorgeous.

“Good morning.” Niylah greeted her.

The brunette shuffled her feet, as her eyes darted from her and behind her to the inside of the apartment before she answered. “Good morning, uh, doe Clarke live here?”

Niylah stood aside and let the unknown brunette in and led her to the dining room table. If Clarke had given the woman her address she imagined that this person held some sort of meaning to her. “Make yourself at home. I’ll let her know you’re here.”

\-----------------------------

Lexa was nervous. She was nervous on her way over here. But now that someone not-Clarke answered the door. Her discomfort levels had increased. She wondered if her impulsivity was really such a good idea after all.

The tall woman who answered the door went over to the couch and bent down for a moment, speaking in a hushed voice. Lexa couldn’t make out what was being said. The woman then straightened up and left the living room out of Lexa’s sight. 

“Sorry, must have slept through my alarm.” Clarke’s husky sleep filled voice caught her attention startling her. God. Memories of that voice still did things to Lexa.

She saw Clarke’s head pop up into view as the blonde sat up, and looked at her with a frown. “Coffee.” the woman grunted grouchily.

Maybe some things didn’t change. Lexa thought with some slight amusement.

Awkwardness returned to Lexa as Clarke made herself a cup of coffee. She looked around, taking in the blonde’s home. There were pot plants, and a couple of cabinets displaying ornaments and trinkets. What really caught Lexa’s attention though were the Barbie dolls and My Little Pony figures scattered on the ground in a corner. There were pictures displayed on the walls of a young girl around the age of three or four. If Lexa hadn’t known better she’d think she was looking at a younger Clarke. But no, this girl lacked blue eyes, and instead had light brown eyes.

Clarke had a child.

The impact of this realisation left Lexa breathless. It had been uncomfortable enough when that other woman had answered the door, with water droplets still clinging to her hair. She had obviously just got out of the shower. Lexa had actually believed Clarke had given her a false address for a moment. 

But no, that wasn’t it. Clarke had a family of her own.

The shower-lady re-entered the room and sat at the table opposite of her, and Clarke came in a moment later setting out a plate of triangle cut sandwiches on a plate, and left again to return with three mugs of coffee.

Disappointment washed over Lexa when Clarke sat in the furthest position possible from her at the table. The unknown woman’s eyes shined with concern as they watched the blonde. Clarke though, refused to look at either of them instead staring at the contents of her mug.

“Niylah, this is Lexa. Lexa and I are old friends. She’s Aden’s Aunt. We ran into each other last night at the fundraiser performance.” Clarke said to the woman now named Niylah.

Old friends huh? Lexa felt a bile of bitterness in her throat.

Niylah’s face flashed with understanding and she turned to Lexa. “Nice to meet you.”

Lexa forced herself to smile and tried to return the sentiment. “Nice to meet you too.”

Niylah then stood up and drank the rest of her coffee, Lexa was jealous of the touch of her shoulder she gave to Clarke, and the soft murmur of “I’ll pick Madi up. Call me if you need me.”

What was strange to Lexa was the blonde had glanced at Niylah with a small smile, and added nothing more than a nod.

The moment Niylah had left, impassiveness took over Clarke’s face as the blonde confessed bluntly, “I don’t know what to say. This is awkward.”

The admission was another punch to Lexa’s gut. Surely, even after 7 years of being absent they weren’t reduced to being strangers? Not after everything they had shared. Right?

“You could start with telling me how you’ve been?” The brunette softly prompted. She needed to reconnect with Clarke.

Clarke did not reply.

Lexa didn’t know why she did it, but she blurted out “I’ve seen you before. You were dancing with someone at Grounders.”

Clarke’s brows furrowed. “You didn’t think to say anything?”

“To be fair, I didn’t know it was you. You had your back turned to me. You have a very distinct hairdo so I recognised you last night.” The brunette explained.

“I was with a good friend of mine, Raven.” Was all Clarke said.

She watched Clarke look at one of the pictures hanging on the wall, and Lexa prompted “She’s beautiful.”

“Her name’s Madi. She just turned 5 just over a month ago. She takes a lot after her father.” The blonde shared.

This was the most Clarke had opened up to her so far. Lexa decided to do a bit of sharing of her own. “The kids’ mum, Costia said they met her and that the kids adored her. I’m a little jealous. They’re smitten with you too.”

The blonde shook her head in disagreement, and confessed. “Aden looks up to you Lexa. The first thing he said to me when I first met him was ‘I want to play Nothing Else Matters. It’s my Aunty’s favourite song’. So I made a deal with him. If he spent half of our sessions practicing his notation, then we would spend the last half on that song.”

Lexa gave a small grin. Feeling like she had won somewhat of a small victory. Clarke was willingly conversing back with her. She teased the blonde. “So it’s your fault the kid has banned me from his room? He literally yelled at me all the time ‘Don’t come in!’ whenever he wanted to practice.”

Don’t blame me. I was only doing what he asked.” Clarke quipped before standing up and stretching. “I’ll give you a tour of the house.”

Lexa stood and waited to follow Clarke. “Ok.” She agreed. “But only if you tell me more about Madi.” The topic of the children seemed to be the blondes kryptonite with Lexa.

Clarke led the brunette in to a room that was painted in the Frozen theme. Multiple pictures of Elsa, Olaf and Ana covered the walls.

“This is obviously Madi’s room. She has an obsession with Frozen. She loves to sing and dance. But she hates octopus eyes.” Clarke said.

Octopus eyes? Her expression must have conveyed her bafflement because the blonde explained “Bellamy, her father, and I once convinced her that olives were made from octopus eyes. Now she hates both.”

Poor Madi.

“Does she play or draw?” Lexa questioned.

Clarke shook her head, and explained “Her interest in drawing is really no different from any other child. As I said she loves to sing and dance, but has no interest in playing any instrument. But there’s plenty of time for that I guess.”

Lexa didn’t know what possessed her, but she asked completely off topic “Niylah seems nice.”

Clarke tensed and her brows furrowed. Her tone reflected the iciness from last night. “She is.”

Lexa kicked herself. Stick to kid related topics, and she redirected the conversation back to the children. “Aden and Anya keep harassing Cos about Madi. Would it be too awkward if we arranged a playdate for them?”

The blonde turned to her, and Lexa was filled with a sense of looking at a stranger as Clarke’s expression turned stoic. An expression that was so foriegn on the familiar features that was Clarke’s face.

“I can really only commit to Friday afternoons 3:30 onwards. Madi has sleepovers with her father on Saturdays.” The blonde agreed tersely.

Lexa felt relief that Clarke had agreed. “Sounds good Clarke. I’ll text you on Friday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long with this chapter. I found it difficult to rewrite and elaborate on this chapter because of all the different points of views. I added a few things, but it won't affect the events or plot of the story.


	10. Chapter 10

“We have plans this afternoon Luna. Come back tomorrow.” Lexa repeated exasperated. “I’ll make sure they’ll be available then. But we didn’t organise this so we made other arrangements.”

They were standing in the doorway, Lexa refusing to let Luna in. After another three weeks of not even a phone call Luna had rocked up demanding time with Anya and Aden when they got home. 

To give Luna  _ some _ credit. She was sober and calm when she arrived. Legally speaking Lexa couldn’t deny her visiting rights. But there had to be a reasonable process like being sober, calm and organising it.

“Change them. I didn’t come out all this way for nothing.” Luna hissed, expression was full of fury.

This was a circular argument they’ve been havin for half an hour now, and Lexa was getting tired of saying the same thing over and over. They weren’t getting anywhere and Luna needed a reality check.

Lexa decided to give the final blow. “Do you honestly think after seven years that they still sit around waiting for you to decide to want to see them? They have lives now and you’ve actively chosen not to be a part of it. Guess what Luna? They’re growing up. They have friends and hobbies and interests that you know nothing about and I’m not going to interrupt them because you decided  _ you _ missed them.” 

Luna made a step towards her with a clenched fist., and before Luna could form a response Lexa shut the door on her and turned the lock. The sounds of Luna punching the door a couple of times and her warnings of “This isn’t over Lexa!” rang in her ears.

She leaned against a wall and sighed, a few tears making their way down her face as she became overwhelmed with the events of the week, and what a fucking week it had been. 

The kids couldn’t seem to get along for more than five minutes at a time. Costia was acting weird. They haven’t had a full conversation since after she got back from visiting Clarke. Costia spoke to her only in relation to the kids, or for planning the day. There were no ‘How are you?’ or ‘How was your day?’ there were no answers when she asked Costia those questions either. Instead Costia would pretend to not have heard her, or be so immersed in the middle of what she was doing.

Speaking of Clarke, Lexa didn’t even know what to begin thinking about with her. It’s like someone else is in Clarke’s body. There was very little of the Clarke left that she was familiar with. What happened to the open and friendly blonde who always had a nice word or smile to give someone? In her place seemed to be an impassive woman with a bitterness lurking underneath the surface. And who the fuck are Bellamy and Niylah anyway? While she’s never once not thought about Clarke, the blonde hooked up with Bellamy, and then after inviting Lexa over, she makes sure Niylah is there?

Lexa’s own words rang in her ears. ‘ _ you honestly think after seven years that they still sit around waiting for you?’  _ Had she really expected Clarke to wait? Logically speaking. No she hadn’t But her feelings hadn’t gotten that memo. Lexa hadn’t been prepared for the cold reception.

Now Luna was to start her shit again as if they hadn’t been through this enough times already. Call and arrange to see the kids so Lexa can make sure they’re available. 

What the fuck did everyone want from her? Can’t she seem to do the right thing by anything? She tried to prioritise the children first and foremost. She knew the kids were too young to know or understand this. But surely Costia and Luna understood that right?

Speaking of kids. Lexa looked at the time. Shit, shit, shit. She was late. School finished 15 minutes ago. 

When Lexa arrived at the school she frantically looked for signs of them. They weren’t out the front. They weren’t in the office or on the school playground. Lexa’s panic increased. She headed to the last place she could think of, into the school community room. Once she was there she could finally take a breath. 

There they were with Clarke. She absorbed the scene before her. Clarke and Anya were sitting at the table, a pencil in each hand as they drew a picture together. Aden was sitting on a chair closer to a corner of the room, his eyes were red and swollen as if he’d been crying. He was playing guitar. 

But it wasn’t  _ his _ guitar. Lexa would be able to recognise that guitar from anywhere. That was Clarke’s multicoloured guitar with the red strap and all. Clarke had kept her guitar. The one Lexa gave to her. She couldn’t understand it. The blonde couldn’t say a damn word to her without her prompting, but she kept the guitar.

Taking a breath to steady her racing heart, Lexa opened the door causing all three occupants' heads to whip around. “I’m so sorry. Something came up and I lost track of time.”

Anya jolted to her feet and thrust the paper they were drawing on in her face. “Aunty! Look!”

Lexa glanced at it. It was a picture she guessed of her, Costia, Aden and Anya holding hands at a playground. “That’s fantastic Ahn!” 

Aden had come and hugged her from her side but didn’t say anything and she wrapped an arm around him and squeezed gently. 

“Thank you Clarke.” She said looking at the blonde. 

“It’s fine, is everything ok?” Clarke questioned. Lexa was surprised. She wondered if she needed to clean her ears out. Was that concern in Clarke’s tone? Did Clarke just ask about her?

Lexa’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times.“Yes, it’s been dealt with. I know we’re running late. But are we still doing our playdate?” 

Clarke turned around zipping up her guitar case as she responded. “Yeah, I had to call Niylah and see if she would pick Madi up, they’ll meet us at the playground at four. I’ll see you there in a few.” 

They exited the room and made their way to their cars. Niylah was going to be there. Great.

\-----------------------------

At the playground they opted to set up underneath a nice shade tree. Clarke one foot out in front of her and the other bent with her right forearm resting on the knee, her left hand fiddling with a blade of grass and her eyes trained on Niylah who was entertaining the children. Clarke liked being outside. She loved the smells and the colours, and the natural breeze. 

Lexa sat to her right, leaning back on both hands sitting cross legged. From the corner of her eyes Clarke could see the tightness in her brows, the slight frown of her lips. Lexa’s posture was tense. Lexa had a bad day.

Clarke didn’t know if she was ready to cross the line she made sure Lexa knew was clearly drawn. But it didn’t really matter, she guessed. She had an urge to make sure Lexa was at least ok. Clarke broke the silence. “If you want, you can talk about it.” 

Lexa’s mouth twisted into a grimace “I didn’t realise you cared.” causing Clarke to flinch. 

She supposed she deserved that. She hadn’t exactly been friendly with woman. “I’m sorry.” She murmured. 

She felt Lexa studying her. “It’s fine. Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just been one of those weeks.”

What was she sorry for? Clarke was sorry for so many things. Sorry for asking a personal question? Sorry for not fighting for answers? For cutting ties? For the cold shoulder? For being defensive? Her apology was so cryptic and so layered. 

Then she felt angry at herself. She had no reason to apologise. She had apologised because Lexa had snapped at her. Not because Clarke had done anything wrong.

Clarke heard Lexa shuffle next to her, and in a soft reflective voice the brunette confessed “I never thought I wouldn’t know how to talk to you. You’re different.” 

Clarke let out a small sad chuckle and stated the obvious “We’re both different. We’ve swapped roles. Lexa Woods is now expressive and outgoing.” 

“I have to be with those two.” The brunette murmured

Clarke turned to look at Lexa properly. She looked older, sadder, worn down and resigned, but she was still just as beautiful. Clarke felt an overwhelming sense of bitter sweetness and just for a moment she wanted to wrap her arms around her.

She did not.

Turning her gaze back to the playground she spotted Madi on Niylah’s shoulders fumbling with grasping at the monkey bars with a big smile on both their faces. Anya was absolutely covered in sand trying to throw handfuls of sand at Aden who had taken refuge in a high branch of a tree verbally taunting his younger sister, obviously teasing her about how she couldn’t get him.

“Aden and Anya get along splendidly well.” She said trying to shake off her rush of emotions. 

“Absolutely, like water and oil.” Came Lexa’s sarcastic response. 

Silence took over again. Clarke didn’t know who said it. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was Lexa. Maybe it was both of them. But it made her want to cry. She hated this.

“I missed you.”


	11. Impulses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR SOME.
> 
> For those who have read the original fic. This is the much dreaded controversial chapter.
> 
> If you don't like a desperate or impulsive Lexa, you should not read this chapter or the next chapter.

The weeks came and went quickly. Clarke and Lexa had formed a tentative relationship that seemed to be defined by nostalgia, tension and the fast friendship the kids were establishing. 

They had yet to speak openly. Relying on their sense of experience and intuition to dance around each other. Push. Pull. Wait. Repeat.

Lexa longed for something more with the blonde, but every attempt that the brunette tried to make to close the gap was met by an unyielding Clarke. The blonde was always civil towards her. But never friendly. Lexa was desperate for the gap to close.

It was intriguing to see the dynamics between the children. Lexa supposed Madi’s personality was more like her fathers. She was playful, mischievous and happy go lucky. In hindsight Lexa could also have said Madi was a younger version of her mother. Clarke used to be this way. Madi and Anya were both busy children. This often caused her and Anya to often team up and run circles around Aden who always humoured them in their antics but always quickly needed space from them. The boy could only handle so much of them. He was much more introverted, and that amount of energy they exhibited quickly tired him out.

But Aden wasn’t always the victim to Madi’s behaviour. It was only the week before when they were having a sleepover that Anya had asked for Costia to check under the bed for monsters and the woman confirmed there were in fact no monsters in the bed or the wardrobe, Madi had loudly declared that the monster was hiding and would eat Anya when she fell asleep, causing a wave of tears much to Costia’s dismay and Lexa’s amusement.

It was currently movie night at Lexa’s. Movie night was putting it mildly considering Lexa was currently the only one awake. Anya had fallen asleep on the couch next to her. Clarke must had been tired or just had one of those weeks because, on the floor Clarke was positioned in front of Anya sitting up using the couch as a backrest, her head dropped to her chest, with each of her legs in front of her claimed as a pillow by both Madi and Aden and each of her hands resting on them. 

It was an endearing sight. Both Aden and Anya seemed to love Clarke, they always asked about her and Madi and when they would see each other next. Clarke had always had a way with children. Too bad she refused to ease up with Lexa. 

“This is awfully domesticated.” Costia stated, startling Lexa from her thoughts. There was a tone in her voice Lexa was unfamiliar with. Costia had taken to making herself scarce when Clarke was in the vicinity so her presence out of the room tonight took Lexa offside and confused her. Lexa stood up navigating around the blankets, careful not to trip over any of the sleeping bodies and leaned up against the wall facing Costia.

“Cos, are you ok?” She asked. 

Costia took a few steps closer, leaning against the wall next to her, her eyes landing on Clarke and the children. Uncharacteristic bitterness coloured her tone as she replied “She’s like a whirlwind. She dropped you like a bad habit and never wanted to hear from you again and now here she is. Everywhere I look is Clarke. You adore her, Aden and Anya adore her. All Aden speaks about is Clarke and what she’s teaching him. All Anya asks about is when can she see Clarke and Madi next.” 

“Cos. You know that’s not how it happened.” Lexa said. “I left her.”

“And she never fought for you, she cut ties with you. She wanted nothing to do with you, and here you are following her around like a lost pupping.” She turned to face Lexa looking into her confused and sorrowful green eyes and her voice softened “I miss how things used to be. I miss them and I miss you.” 

Lexa swallowed, unsure how to respond. Her and Costia had never been like  _ that _ with each other. She chanced a look at the sleeping people in their living room then looked at Costia again. Why not? Cos had been her rock, had seen her at her best and her worst and still supported her. Clarke has all but ignored her. They were in different places in their lives. Clarke had moved on right? Shouldn’t Lexa try to? And who better than with Costia? Lexa was so weary of being alone.

“Please Lex.” Costia stepped closer into her personal space wrapping her arms around her. Lexa acquiesced and lowered her mouth to meet Costia’s, sucking on her lower lip before swiping her tongue asking for access.

Costia drew away leading Lexa to her bedroom falling back into the bed. Lexa crawled over her lightly sucking at her neck before Costia sat up removing her shirt and her bra and they kissed again. Costia’s hands slipping underneath Lexa’s shirt. One hand groping her breast and the other on the small of her back. Lexa lowered her head, taking a nipple into her mouth. 

Her hands gliding down Costia’s stomach and underneath her pants feeling her wetness causing Costia to gasp as she pushed two fingers in. Lexa kissed her again to drown out any noises as she found a slow gentle rhythm, Costia thrusting her hips to meet her fingers. Lexa’s thumb began rubbing her clit causing a moan.

It wasn’t long before Costia shuddered from her orgasm. She wordlessly tried to bring Lexa closer to her. But Lexa shook her head and lowered herself down Costia’s body, removing her pants and underwear along the way. Guiding her legs apart, Lexa licked and sucked at Costia’s clit before thrusting her tongue inside until she came again.

As Costia caught her breath Lexa laid next to her. This was a bad idea. Already Lexa was starting to feel disgusted with herself. God, she just can’t win no matter what she does.

Costia’s hands wandered over her, but when one made its way to her stomach Lexa grabbed it, bringing it to her mouth she kissed it. “This was for you. Don’t worry about me.” Costia nuzzled closer to her mumbling an unintelligible response. Lexa hadn’t wanted Costia to touch her, but now Lexa’s has just made her circumstances even worse. She dreaded the upcoming conversation with the sleeping woman beside her.

The sound of Costia’s steady breathing filled the room. Lexa was on her back. Getting up, she tucked the sheet over her and she made her way to the bathroom and took a shower. Tears mingling with the water. If Lexa had thought she was miserable before this then that was nothing to how she felt now. 

She wondered if Costia and her would recover from this impulse. The feeling of deep regret had seeped into the deepest part of her. She felt stupid, guilty and dirty. She scrubbed herself harder as if to wash away her regrets. But some actions can’t be undone.

Finishing dressing herself she went to the kitchen to get a drink. She spared a look to the living room. Resignation took over Lexa as she noted that Aden was now on the couch curled up with Anya, a blanket covering them both. The rest of the blankets were neatly folded on the coffee table.

There were no signs of Clarke or Madi.


	12. The Set Up

Clarke woke up, her neck aching from the position she had fallen asleep in. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep. But she had obviously been tired. A light shone into the room from the hall. She took in her surroundings. All the children were with her sleeping peacefully. She should take Madi home. But there was no sign of Lexa. Carefully she maneuvered Madi and Aden so she wouldn’t wake them up. She figured if the lights were on someone would be awake right?

She entered the hall and heard the rustling of clothes and a gasp coming from a room where the door was open. Clarke really didn’t have to be a genius to figure out what was going on. Against her better judgement she peered in. Lexa was fully clothed with her head between a very naked Costia’s legs.

There was a strange sense of detachment as she took in the sight. She didn’t know how she viewed Lexa. On one hand there was a constant pull towards her. An affinity to her that Clarke couldn’t put into words. On the other hand Clarke felt tossed aside by her and she couldn’t work that out in her head. She was desensitized to what she was witnessing.

For a year Clarke had raged at herself for not fighting for her. For not demanding answers. At the time Clarke had figured that if Lexa couldn’t be bothered to have the respect for her to give her answers the one and only time she asked, then maybe Lexa was never really hers. And if Lexa was willing to leave with a simple ‘I won’t be coming back.’ what could Clarke do other than accept it. Obviously Lexa meant more to Clarke than she had to her. But Clarke hadn’t accepted it had she.

During that year she found comfort and companionship with Bellamy. He had picked her up. Helped her. Supported her, and one they both mistook it for more and spent the night together. Neither had expected that things would be so awkward the next morning they could barely look at each other. They had agreed to never mention it again and proceeded normally in their friendship as if it never happened. Except that was the night that they had conceived Madi. It was lucky for her, he wanted to be a part of Madi’s life. It was just as lucky for him that when he met Echo she had been accepting, even if she were a bit cautious around Clarke initially and watched her closely. The blonde couldn’t blame her for being insecure.

Then of course as fate would have it she moved to the same town as Lexa, she could see the conflict in Lexa in every interaction that they had. Torn between wanting to respect the wordless non-personal boundaries Clarke made and at the same time being just as frustrated by them. Her eyes still so expressive and still gave her away.

Clarke for her part seemed to find any sort of emotional intimacy difficult. Niylah and her cuddled but they hadn’t made it past that, and Niylah was an angel. Never pressuring her into anything more and always did things on the blondes terms. They talked about their day and spent time with each other but never spoke about what she felt. 

Her interactions with Lexa while frequent, were very rarely not impersonal. She felt burned by Lexa and found it hard to risk coming closer to that fire no matter what warmth it provided. But at the same time, she had been accepting to be in its glow until now. Right now, Clarke felt apathy as she watched the scene before her.

Making her way back to the living room she gently lifted Aden onto the couch with Anya throwing a blanket over them. Folding the rest of the blankets she carried Madi closing the front door as quietly as she could.

\-----------------------------

Niylah was really more than Clarke deserved. She was patient, empathetic, and intuitive. So when Clarke came in, with her features stoney, they both tucked Madi into bed. Niylah hugged Clarke and just held her there.

“What happened at Lexa’s?” Niylah addressed the elephant in the room. 

Clarke looked up at Niylah, guilt and despair filled her. She didn’t love Niylah but she couldn’t lose her. She swallowed, and decided to spit out the truth. She was afraid of how this would change their dynamics that she was comfortable with.

“Lexa slept with Costia. I’m angry but I’m not angry, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t care but I do care. I shouldn’t feel angry. I’m guilty. I like you, I do. I just... I don’t know” She ranted. The blonde really didn’t know what she felt right now.

To her surprise Niylah let out a soft laugh. “Clarke, I hope you’re not feeling guilty about me. I told you from day one we didn’t have to be anything more. We could just be in the moment. I did like you Clarke. I thought you were beautiful and I loved your devotion to Madi. But it didn’t take long to realise it wouldn’t work. I’ve spent enough time around you to know you’re a tough nut to crack. Your shell is so thick it won’t be open unless it’s opened from the inside.”

Clarke stared at her as she processed the woman’s words and Niylah continued “I needed a purpose, and you needed companionship. We give that to each other. That is the nature of our relationship. I love Madi and I love being there for you. Everything about you screams friendzone even when you  _ try _ . You and Lexa obviously have a complicated history. I’m not surprised you’re confused by this.”

Clarke mulled over Niylah’s words. They were true she supposed. She was hit by a sudden wave of fury. Fucking Lexa Woods. Clarke keeps getting emotional whiplash ever since Lexa waltzed up to her and so calmly said ‘Hello Clarke’. The fury left just as quickly as it arrived leaving her with an emptiness. Feelings she thought she had buried are constantly brought to the forefront. Why couldn’t Lexa have just stayed away? It would have been so much easier if they had just said hi to each other then went on their merry way.

But no. Lexa had to push and insist they meet up and reconnect, and Clarke hadn’t even put up a fight. She gave in and agreed.

Fuck this.

“I need to get my head on straight. I think I need a few days away. I might call in work and have a long weekend.” She proposed.

Niylah nodded. “Alone?” 

Clarke shook her head. “I’ll see if Bellamy and Echo will take Madi, if they can’t, maybe Octavia and Raven will. They adore her. But I don’t want to be alone..” She chewed her lip leaving the unspoken question implied.

Niylah hummed for a moment in thought. “Maybe being alone for a week is what you need to clear your head. Away from everything. I can look after Madi.”

In that moment Clarke felt dismay towards herself for not being able to love Niylah. She wondered if she’d ever relax enough to let anyone in enough to love them. She wondered if she’d ever forgive herself or forgive  _ her _ in order to love so wholly again. 

Whoever would commit themselves to Niylah and her loyal, patient ways would be lucky beyond words.

“Thank you.” She whispered.  _ For everything _ was omitted. 

“Always Clarke. Let’s get to bed. It’s getting pretty late and you have plans to make tomorrow.” Came the gentle reply.


End file.
